21 Tips On How To Prepare For A Baby

Make 20 cups of coffee. Don't drink any of them.

1. Set an alarm for every two hours. The alarm has to be loud enough for your neighbor to hear and it has to be high pitch and repetitive.

2. Let the alarm go off for one hour and run around your house hysterical. If at night, make sure to fall asleep 10 minutes before the alarm goes off again.

3. Wake up at 4 a.m.

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4. Dress yourself, then pour milk on yourself. 

5. Soak your bed in milk.

6. Spray milk on your chest in two patches. 

7. Don't shower.

8. Shower once after eight days and turn off and on the water. Get out once you have put shampoo in your hair.

9. Stop brushing your teeth.

10. Go to bed at 8, but stay awake until 1 a.m.. If anyone asks, tell them you're trying to have some "me time." 

11. Eat food one handed. 

12. Make sure it's cold.

13. Make 20 cups of coffee. Don't drink any of them.

Iryna Inshyna / Shutterstock

14. Go for a walk with a pram. Pretend you're invisible and encourage people to only talk about and to your pram. 

15. When someone asks you "How's things?" just talk about poo and sleep. 

16. Cry. A lot. 

17. Get wireless internet so you can Google everything. Practice Googling "reflux," "colic," "why isn't my baby sleeping?" "why does my baby hate me?" and "how do I put my baby back in my uterus?"

18. Eat cake, nothing but cake. 

19. Ask people for advice on everything, tell them to get really extensive with it and condescending. 

20. Wake up in the middle of the night confused and scream "Where's the baby?" 

21. Watch your partner sleep and imagine shoving a stick into his snoring mouth. Hate him. Tell him he's an asshole who doesn't get it and ignore him. The more you ignore or yell the better. It'll be for him when the baby comes - If he looks confused ... you are ready.

Good luck! And enjoy the future mommas. May the force be with you.

This story originally appeared on Laura Mazza's Facebook pageLaura Mazza is a blogger and mother of two. To read more of her work, you can follow her on her blog Mum on the Run and on Facebook

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