Love, Lindsay

‘While On A Date, He Started Swiping On The Dating App We Met On. What Should I Do?'

All your relationship questions answered — right here, right now.

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Lindsay here, A Plus's resident relationship guru/columnist. While I may not know everything, I do know a lil something about love and our seemingly endless pursuit of it. Having written dozens of A Plus articles about dating, relationships, and sex, I'm ready and willing to investigate all of your romantically-inclined questions (submit here!) — because I've asked them myself. What I hope to bring to A Plus's readers is a sex-positive, body-positive, and most importantly, you-positive perspective on modern love. Consider Love, Lindsay your digital Cupid.

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Hi Lindsay, 

I went on a second date with this guy, and while we're in a cab going back to his place after dinner, he took out his phone and began swiping on the dating app we met on. He didn't even try to hide it. Now, up until this point, he seemed completely sane and nice, so I had no idea what to do. I ended up ignoring it and just making up an excuse shortly after we got to his apartment. Was that the right thing to do, or what should I have done instead? And now he's asked me on a third date, so what should I do now? 

Thanks, 
Kara 

Dear Kara, 

So, the issue here isn't that he was still using a dating app while casually dating you, but the fact that he did it right in front of you. Aside from the fact that being on the phone during a date is already a red flag, using a dating app in front of your current date is just disrespectful. 

Sure, no one "owes" anything to anyone else when they're in those early, undefined stages of dating, but there's gotta be some level of human decency here. Think about it like this, would you accept this kind of behavior from a friend? No. So you shouldn't accept it from a love interest, especially if you're looking for a committed relationship. But even if you're just casually dating, you don't want to know about the other people this guy is dating, just as he wouldn't want to know about yours. 

To that point, there's really no "right" or "wrong" response you could've had to this ridiculously uncomfortable situation. It's one thing if a dating app notification happens to pop up on your date's phone when you're together (happens to the best of us). It's quite another when he's deliberately using that app to find his next date while still in the middle of his current one. Even if you had directly asked him why, oh why, he's on a dating app on your date, you still wouldn't have gotten the answer you wanted.

Because let us not forget the lack of self- and situational-awareness this shows. Do you really want to be in a relationship with the kind of person who can't help but swipe on a dating app while sitting next to a person they met on that same app? Let me answer for you: No.

Pro tip for all my single readers: Turn off your dating app push notifications when you're on an actual date. 

That might seem unnecessary because "everybody" is on apps these days, but it takes two seconds and you can still check your apps when you or your date goes to the bathroom. Most importantly, you don't miss out on the great person right in front of you. 

Dating is hard enough without the additional difficulty of trying to carry on two (or more) conversations at once. While I certainly encourage singletons to date multiple people before they DTR, there's a time and place for making new romantic connections — and the back of a cab with someone you're already dating isn't one of them.

If anything this guy did you a favor by showing his true colors early because it's most likely not going to get any better from here. Since this was only the second date and you have practically zero investment in this person, there's no reason to keep pursuing something that already seems destined for failure. Consider his tone-deaf actions your "Get out of jail free" card. Forget this guy and start swiping on people who hopefully know how to keep their phone in their pocket.

Love, 

Lindsay 

Cover image via Jacob Ufkes / UnSplash

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