Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Idioms like these have been told to women for (what feels like) an eternity, warning them of the dangers of having sex before entering a committed relationship. Because, as everyone knows, when a woman does it on the first date, she loses all respect and chances at a second date. Mind you, it's totally cool for the man to enjoy no-strings-attached sex.
"After we had sex, we were cuddling, and he literally says to me, 'You know, if you're looking to date seriously, maybe you shouldn't have sex with them so fast.' Even though he also engaged in the sex act, but managed to remain a really respectable person."
Hopefully, reading that made you fume. The idea that women can't enjoy first date sex without consequences, is a double standard that permeates our culture, turning female sexuality into something shameful.
In this video, BuzzFeed asked some real women to weigh in about sex on the first date. While the participants had different reasons for doing the deed or not, all agreed we should withhold judgment on others' choices.
What the ladies had to say was pretty interesting...
"[I] definitely have sex on the first date."
"I've never had sex on a first date."
Their responses to questions like "How do you feel about sex on the first date?" and "Would you tell your friends about it?" show we've come a long way in terms of encouraging women to own their sexuality, but we still have further to go: Many women still fear being perceived as easy, or the man losing interest and/or respect for them.
"I've had guys be like, 'I wouldn't take her seriously because we banged on the first date.' And I lost my respect for THEM."
Unfortunately, it's not just men who inflict judgment on women. Women inflict it on themselves and each other.
According to a 2008 study published in Clinical Psychology Review, women underreport how much sex they are actually having, or how interested they are in sex. In reference to the study, a Medical Daily article notes: "When women are asked to interpret other women's behaviors, they are more likely to label them as tied to sexual interest. It seems there is a level of "slut-shaming" and judging, even among their own peers."
And the pressure is clearly felt by some of the women interviewed by BuzzFeed, as well...
"I've definitely felt self-conscious telling my friends about [having sex on a first date], just because I didn't want to be judged."
Fortunately, others in the video could move past these feelings. Another participant says while she felt self conscious in public school, where rumors spread quickly, once she began making her sexual history her "own story," she says "it was so much better."
When the women were asked "What do you think about men having sex on the first date?" there was less variety in their answers, as the double standard is pretty apparent to all.
"Sometimes guys get away with stuff that girls are crucified for, which is really horrible."
The video ends with a woman making a powerful point: Though men can have sex without fear of being shamed, they suffer their own set of societal pressures.
"I think it's easy to envy men because of that sort of idea that it's OK for them to have sex on the first date. But I also feel... they're sort of pressured to score, and if that's not the type of person they are, that's kind of an awful place to be too.
This point is an important one, worth being addressed and hearing a male's perspective on. So BuzzFeed made another video asking men what they think about having sex on a first date. To see what men have to say, check out the video here.
And here's the video of women talking about sex on the first date:
What are your thoughts about sex on the first date?
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