After years of being shrouded in secrecy, it has finally been revealed that medical marijuana can actually cure a number of diseases, including cancer, diabetes, physical deformities, and much more.
The results of this groundbreaking study were published in the Journal For Exaggerated Biology.
"It's an interesting development we hadn't expected," Dr. Fälschen from Germany's Universität Erfunden said in a press release. "For years, [our research] has indicated that marijuana was only good for easing symptoms of disease. There hadn't been any evidence that cannabis use could actually treat diseases themselves."
Dr. Fälschen explained that the big break came when he was chatting up his next-door-neighbor, who is an attorney. He told Fälschen that his cousin's best friend had been diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer. After turning to marijuana to calm his nausea, the friend's tumors began to shrink. After only two months, his body was rid of cancer entirely. On top of that, his cholesterol levels had improved also.
"Lawyers generally don't have a great understanding of cellular biological processes, but who could have imagined he would have known this amazing medical development?" Fälschen explained. "Though many of my colleagues said this story was anecdotal and there wasn't any evidence to support it, I couldn't believe that my neighbor would just lie. He's a smart guy and I like him, so I believed him. I had to know if there were more out there who had been cured of disease through the healing powers of cannabis."
Fälschen took to the internet, where people are prohibited from saying things that aren’t true, in search of others who had experienced similar results.
He then stumbled onto a website called TheTruthAboutPot.biz, and hit the jackpot.
In addition to stories similar to his neighbor's cousin's friend's cancer that had been cured with cannabis, he also found individuals who had been able to completely recover from diabetes, AIDS, and restless leg syndrome as well. One young woman who was smoking a joint and playing Clash of Clans on her phone as she crossed a busy street despite the "Do Not Walk" sign being on, did not get hit by a car, presumably because she was high.
"That one might have been the most impressive one of all," Fälschen said with a chuckle on a phone call with A Plus. "Marijuana completely eliminates the need for chemotherapy and HIV antiretrovirals, but to not even need to look before crossing the street? Pot really can do it all!"
Fälschen stated that parents should be especially excited about this news, because it actually replaces the need to vaccinate.
One mother on TheTruthAboutPot claimed that blowing smoke in the face of her six-month-old son completely cured him of the measles he had picked up at Disneyland. She also started treating her three-year-old daughter as a precaution. The little girl was not only completely protected from infectious disease, but it also cured her of being a picky eater.
Fälschen did credit vaccines as being one of the biggest medical advancements of the 20th century, but it seemed foolish to keep using them, since cannabis is such a good replacement. "They have saved millions of lives, but marijuana is more efficient. I recommend exposing infants to cannabis within minutes of birth in order to maximize the benefits. Heck, one person even said that adding cannabis oil to her baby's bottle was able to correct birth defects. That's true power."
Fälschen also claims to have spoken to a man whose wife used to work in the mailroom for Merck, uncovering troubling secrets.
She insists that the company goes to great lengths to appear as though they are developing useful drugs, but they really just stamp out placebos or pills whose sole purpose is to induce various side effects. They reportedly spend the rest of the time in intense hackysack competitions, with Foosball Fridays taking up an especially large amount of time.
A Plus reached out to Merck and five of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world to verify these claims, but the calls went largely ignored. GlaxoSmithKline was the only company to respond, though the email just contained an offer for GSK to pay for inpatient psychotherapy for Fälschen and the six co-authors of the paper.
"Not surprising, man. Not surprising at all," Fälschen said. "Big Pharma is only motivated by money. On the other hand, the people I've spoken to have no reason to lie. Let them keep their 'evidence' and 'peer review' and 'sound science.' We know the truth."