Yelp, Amazon and Google reviews can be pretty critical to how successful a business does. They serve as a sounding board for people's very specific complaints which is important, because where else can someone bring a pizzeria to its knees because the ice in their soda was too cold?
Of course, review and comment sections are where trolls live, and Amazon reviews certainly aren't safe. Here are some of the most ridiculous, inspirational, and face palm-inducing reviews we've seen on the fair internet.
1. Too much commitment.
2. Wolf of Wall Street disappointment.
3. When you order 1,500 ladybugs...
4. Coming of age.
"Received this knife as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I'd have known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache and became a Navy Seal. Mom fainted and my dad laughed and handed me a beer. I was born a girl.
Minus 2 stars because my breasts were really nice."
5. Relationship saved!
"My girlfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up because I would keep her awake at night with my constant mouse clicking. NOT ANYMORE! Consider this relationship saved.
This mouse is so silent she will sometimes forget I'm even home and invite her lover over. He's a pretty cool guy."
6. Keeping those responses sassy.
7. For the chemistry nerds.
"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."
8. Revenge in a box.
"So I wake up in the middle of the night in my 2 bedroom apartment. I find me [sic] roommate passed out face down on the wooden floor. I think nothing of it and go back to sleep. The next morning I wake up to go to work and there is a homeless guy asleep on my couch. My roommate woke up still drunk and had made friends with a bum. And this is the second time he let a stranger off the street just stroll in and pass out. Great.
You are probably thinking what does this have to do with my arts and crafting.
Well I bought this product and proceeded to cover everything my roommate owns in glitter. Every T shirt, every book, every pair of shoes, his bed... I covered his entire life in glitter. He will have glitter in every crevice of his existence until he dies.
Did some track out all over my apartment? yes.
Does the carpet look like a care bear farted all over it? Yes.
Did he threaten to kill me? Sure.
But will he ever let another stranger sleep on the couch? No
Will I ever have to worry about a random guy off the street murdering me in the night? No
All the security for just $12.44. Unbelievable Staggering Value. Cannot recommend enough."
9. Easier for everyone.
"My wife and I can now charge all of our devices simultaneously. Now all we fight about is her crippling alcoholism and my unhealthy obsession with Dakota Fanning"
10. Well if that's your goal...
"Excellent way to contract diabetes!
Me and my friend were watching TV in the basement and drinking some cold ones...
Suddenly a diabetes commercial came on, and we both instantly looked at each other with the same idea. "WHO CAN GET DIABETES THE FASTEST!" We decided the prize to be a 6 back [sic] of beer.
I did a lot of research, and found this baby! Boy is she beautiful... I bought myself a bunch, and thanks to this I contracted Diabetes in a mere 2 months! In the mean time, my friend decide to go the coke route but he got pretty sick of it a month in.
In the end, my friend also got Diabetes, but a month after me! So I got my 6 pack, and all is well in the world.
11. But how did it make you feel?
12. Sounds familiar.
"Perfect for corporate espionage!
I needed a vessel to safely transport viable dinosaur embryos from a secret compound on an island in South America. I couldn't have asked for a better container. It even dispenses shaving cream! I tested this out in my hand at a restaurant and put it on someone's pie. I highly recommend the product!!!!!"
"WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A "SUPER BIG GULP" CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN'T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 72 HOURS.
I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE.
I PEED THIS MORNING AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS 99% BLOOD.
I'VE DEEP CLEANED MY ENTIRE APARTMENT.
I CAN READ MINDS.
GOD HELP ME."
14. Cue USA chant.
"I wasn't ready for this shirt.
I bought it for a 4th of July party, thinking it would be a fun gag shirt. Little did I know. I pulled it out of the box and immediately sank to my knees and wept pure joy, and by "pure joy" I mean "pure Jack Daniel's." I strapped it on and my max bench press increased by a 100lbs. I wiped the whiskey from my face, looked in the mirror, and in my reflection I saw him behind me.
George Washington. Looking stern and powerful. He nodded once, an affirmation. I knew what I had to do.
I flung myself from the bathroom window and this shirt literally turned me into a bald eagle. I flew over Iraq and pooped tomahawk missiles on ISIS positions, then I flew back home and turned into a 1967 Pontiac GTO and drove all night until I arrived at Pussytown."