9 Bald-Faced Lies I've Told Seamless About My Boyfriend

Sorry, not sorry.

My boyfriend, John, and I have a pretty solid divide-and-conquer approach to our everyday life, in that he's a wonderfully effective human being and I am much less so. Whether he's vanquishing a stack of dirty dishes, all the comma splices in an academic paper, or the Rome city guards — we play a lot of Assassin's Creed — he does so quickly and with finesse. It's one of the many reasons why I love him.

When we're hungry for takeout, John is almost always the one to pick our Seamless orders up from nearby restaurants, although I tend to do the actual ordering. A few purchases of jumbo challah French toast ago, I decided to thank him for his willingness to shrug on a coat and brave the wilds of the Upper East Side by pranking him. Because that's what good girlfriends do.

What follows is a collection of complete and total lies I've told restauranteurs about my boyfriend via Seamless. I'm proud to say that I've committed the cardinal New York City sin of making a takeout pickup awkward — on his behalf, of course. To show him how much I love him.

But hey — a local Italian place now sends us an extra medium-sized pizza whenever we order, so it can't be all bad.

9. TBH, my boyfriend's never even seen an episode of "America's Next Top Model."

8. But he does strike this pose regularly. Whether or not there's a camera on him.

7. While he loves cuddling, his opinion on our future overlords is pure speculation.

6. And to my knowledge, Luke never considered a legal career, despite Harvard recruiters' best efforts.

5. My boyfriend is singularly skilled at finding lost objects, but, uh, not sure that anyone's told Romania yet.

4. He's also definitely Jewish.

3. And therefore has never arbitrated a truce between the pope and an alien race.

2. He'd much rather masquerade as Marie Antoinette, given the choice.

1. But I think this one may have provoked the strongest reaction from a restaurant host.

You're welcome, hon.