9 People You'll Only Find In The Gym

An unscientific study of gym lifeforms.

1. The Talker

The Talker is usually a male who can be spotted leaning against a stair climber, treadmill, bike, or other piece of cardio equipment talking to whatever woman happens to be on it. That's okay for a minute or two, but the Talker doesn't want to talk for a minute or two. That's because he thinks the gym is a great place to meet women.

Occasionally he actually works out, but it's generally in the proximity of the nearest female.

It's the most ridiculous cliché in the world, but it's based in fact.

But hey, you do you.

Some say that headphones usually deter them, but the jury is still out on that.

2. The Selfie-Absorbed

Full-length posing mirrors aren't enough for the Selfie-Absorbed. Narcissus himself has nothing on these people who absolutely, positively MUST post pictures of themselves in the gym with the kind of looks of determination and satisfaction that can only come from practicing in the mirror.

They're perfectly harmless until you add them on Instagram, after which point you'll be buried in hashtags, motivational slogans, and selfies. 

#Progress #Fitspo #GymSelfie 

We get it. Really.

But if it helps you get to your goals, go for it. 

#Seriously.

3. The Treadmill Overachiever

On treadmills, some people run. Some people walk. Some even walk or run backwards or sideways. Fair enough.

Some people, however, feel the need to do more than either run or walk on the treadmill. They invent new exercises. They make loud phone calls. They do arm rotations. 


They attempt to incorporate other aspects of gym fitness into their cardio routine...

With hilarious results.

Amusing as they may be, when it comes to the phone users and arm-rotators, one's threshold for tolerating them decreases sharply. There's no point in glaring at them: If they were civilized enough to care, you wouldn't have to.


4. The Out-Of-The-Box Crossfitter

Membership at a Crossfit "Box" can be prohibitively expensive. Luckily, many Crossfit workouts can be adapted to any well-stocked regular gym. 

Unfortunately, gyms lack the same kind of atmosphere found in a box, to say nothing of the fact that although gyms are finally carrying equipment like kettlebells, they usually don't have ropes, sandbags, or tractor tires lying around.

Attempting to improvise those exercises usually doesn't end well.

5. The Bodybuilder

If you hear the low rumble of a voice shouting out reps or saying things like "get some!" "LIGHT WEIGHT!" and "one more!" you're in bodybuilding country. The pros – the real giants – encase themselves in gigantic sweatshirts during the so-called "off-season:" They show nothing until they're in competition.

Everyone else, however, generally accessorizes their muscles to increase their visibility. No, not because they think anyone is looking at them...

It's because they're looking at themselves. Bodybuilding is about personal aesthetics. The weights are a means to an end.

Lock up your egg whites and whey protein isolate. Let the grunting begin.

ONE! TWO! THAT'S NOT EVEN A REP! TWO... AND A HALF! 

GET SOME!

6. The Barbody

The first mention of Barbodies that we know of comes from Samuel Fussell's classic bodybuilding memoir, "Muscle," in which he describes the guys who work out every part of their upper body – the parts that can be seen while wearing a T-shirt at a bar – but nothing below the waist.

Yes, the dudes who never have a "leg day."

Why don't people like to work legs? Because it hurts. It's not the rewarding, warm ache of an arm or chest workout: it's a deep-seated pain that gets deep into the muscle fibers and makes you want to vomit.

How do we know this?

Because at A+, we do legs. 

7. The Trainer

Always so helpful and prepared to help you achieve YOUR fitness goals at the low, low price of...

The pitch is always there. Levels of pushiness vary widely. It's one of the first things a gym will try to sell you after your membership if they think they can. 

Nothing wrong with it: Everybody's gotta make a living. 

The "trainers" that don't actually work for the gym are probably people you should steer clear of, particularly if they're offering to "train" you for free.

8. The Couple

The Couple is always just a little bit too precious.

Get a room, please. Or do what this couple did.

9. The Noob

As if gyms weren't intimidating enough, there are still people who haven't seen the menagerie that awaits them there. They're brand new to working out, feeling a little timid, wondering how this machine or that exercise worked, and preyed upon by personal trainers who can smell money like sharks scent blood in the water.


January brings out a new crop of Noobs.

Sadly, they end up being the only people with enough common courtesy to rack their weights and wipe off the machines.

Be nice to the Noobs.

Help them if they ask or look confused. Spot them without judgement. Protect them from the Talkers. Take them under your scultped wing and teach them the ways of the perfect gym selfie and the whys and wherefores of protein bioavailability.

Remember, we were all Noobs once.

Please share this with your friends and training partners.

Now quit sitting around and go work out.