1. Cheating on you with her co-worker.
Called to find out if she wanted anything from the Chinese take-out place that you used to go to when you were first dating... but no answer?
That's because she's taking something else out RIGHT NOW... and you don't need me to tell you it's not an egg roll.
"I have to work late," "I'm going into a meeting," "things are crazy busy at the precinct," and "I'm president of the United States" are all hints that she's been stepping out on you with the new guy at work. You know, the guy she said "seemed nice."
YEAH, WE KNOW WHAT "NICE" MEANS.
2. Making out with that girl he's "just friends" with.
Two minutes went by and he didn't respond to your "missing you, bae" text?
That rotten bastard.
You already know what's up: he's with that "friend" of his that you knew had her eyes on him. She's probably laughing at you, too. She's not even hot, right?!
HATE THEM. HATE THEM. HATE THEM.
OMG, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY KEY HIS CAR.
FACT: 76 percent of all men are ALREADY sleeping with ALL of their female friends, even if they're taken!
3. Hanging out... at the strip club.
The reason she didn't respond when you texted to ask if she was free after work... was because she was tucking away singles in some dude's g-string while he licks champagne out of her ears.
Face it, homie, you saw this coming. Maybe you should have taken all those "let's work out together" comments as a hint. Well, guess what?
She's probably turned her phone off by now. You should probably get drunk, call your ex, and invite her over. THAT'LL teach her.
4. Starting a new life in another country with his REAL girlfriend.
He hasn't texted in a half hour and he hasn't read your texts?
Hate to tell you this, but he's definitely packed all of his stuff and moved to England where he's marrying a girl he met online.
You probably didn't know this, but 56 percent of women reported having exes who left the country to be with someone else.
You're better off without him. Better blow his phone up.
"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH BRIDGET JONES, JACKASS: ONE DAY YOU'LL REALIZE I WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!!"
And then drown your sorrows in a bottle of wine.
5. Flirting with a guy way hotter than you and pointedly ignoring your texts, while still using social media.
She said she had jury duty? HA. That's code for "going to get day-drunk with my sorority sisters and flirt with guys who are WAYYYY hotter than you." Also, her phone OBVIOUSLY works, she just tweeted "this judge sucks" which is a pretty transparent ruse if you ask me.
Nope, she's definitely looking at her phone, seeing your name, and shaking her head. Feel pretty stupid now, don't you? Yeah, you do.
I bet the guy she's with makes twice as much as you and models part-time. Actually, 41 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 40 are part-time models making $100,000 or more annually.
If she doesn't answer after the 27th text, just break up with her.
6. Lying seriously injured in a ditch, calling your name.
You TOLD him rock climbing was a terrible idea. He should have been back five minutes ago. Or at least called. They have cell service at the climbing gym, right?
Better call the FBI, CIA, and the NSA to trace his phone again.
You're his only hope. Send good thoughts. He can sense that you're worried.
HANG IN THERE, BABY. JUST THINK OF ME.
7. Being held hostage by vile, depraved men.
Seems that afternoon shopping trip with her mom has taken a turn for the worse, since she hasn't responded to your "having fun?" text in over three minutes.
She's obviously been taken. It's up to you to save her. Maybe then her mother will stop hating you and telling her she should be out looking for a doctor. Probably not, though.
Still. Lock and load. It's time to call some old friends from the agency, jock up, and destroy the entire city.
8. Sleeping, being without service, dealing with a dead battery, sitting in a meeting, waiting on the subway or simply dealing with any number of REASONABLE things that might prevent him or her from texting or answering their phone.
LIFE HAPPENS: Don't turn everything into an emergency, especially a text that doesn't get answered right away.
Seriously, you're an April Fool if you let yourself get caught up in these kinds of insecurities.
GOT THAT? GOOD, NOW PLEASE TEXT THIS LINK TO YOUR FRIENDS.
Cover image via WeHeartIt.