You probably don't remember this, but there was a time when you had the ideal setup. It was a fabulous living arrangement fit for a king —and you didn't even appreciate it.
Even if you currently live in a mansion on a private tropical island, you still aren't living as well as you once were.
For the roughly nine months that followed your conception and preceded your birth, you were chilling in the most hospitable environment you will ever live in for the rest of your life: your mother's womb.
Here's what we mean:
(Warning: this will make you miss your mom's womb)
1.) Food delivery — right to your stomach.
2.) Your entire world is also a toilet. (So do your business wherever you please!)
3.) You don’t have to clean up anything. There is 24-hour maid service.
4.) Your landlord thinks it’s cute when you kick the walls.
5.) Unless you’re a multiple, you don’t really have to make small talk with a roommate.
6.) It’s your landlord’s job to protect you from danger. All you gotta do is curl up in in the, ahem, fetal position and try to stay calm.
7.) Your bed is as custom made as it gets and forms to your body better than any Tempur-Pedic mattress ever could.
8.) The thermostat is set comfortably at around 98.6.
9.) The landlord is doing her best to make more and more space to accommodate you — and you never even have to pay rent.
10.) While you live there, you can just sit around all day long gaining a bunch of weight — and nobody expects anything more of you.
11.) It’s no big deal if you’re not out exactly when your lease is up.
(Only 5% of babies are born on their due dates.)
12.) Whether you realize it or not, you're living in the most loving environment imaginable.
*Dedicated to my own mother. Thanks for letting me live in your womb — and for a million things since then.